


my boy

by a_little_hope (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drugs, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kylo Ren Redemption, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Pop Culture, References to Depression, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-22 04:37:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13756461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/a_little_hope
Summary: Rey and Ben Solo were anything but normal to say the least. The both of them were probably the two most fucked up people in high school, and that’s what had made them fit perfectly together. Rey was interested in music, and Ben Solo was nothing short of a theatre boy. Ben would wear leather jackets and drink when Rey preferred weed herself. Everything was great. Rey loved Ben more than anything.Of course, that didn’t fucking last.Ben’s senior year where he was accepted into Julliard’s prestigious academy of acting, and Rey had never been more proud of him in her life. Of course, that meant that she would have to stay behind while he got to go off and do all sorts of great things, but she wasn’t worried. She knew that eventually she would catch up to him, it would just take time. Leia offered to pay for her to be able to see him on breaks too. It was a good idea. Both of them thought it was a good idea, so Rey had no idea what happened when he yelled at her on the phone about two months into their start of a long distance relationship.





	1. She Got Somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> A weird ass plot bunny I had and just spontaneously wrote at three in the morning. Sorry if its shit, it's unbeta'd. Schedule for update: Once every other Wednesday.

Rey and Ben Solo were anything but normal to say the least. The both of them were probably the two most fucked up people in high school, and that’s what had made them fit perfectly together. Rey was interested in music, and Ben Solo was nothing short of a theatre boy. Ben would wear leather jackets and drink when Rey preferred weed herself. Everything was great. Rey loved Ben more than anything. 

 

Of course, that didn’t fucking last. 

 

Ben’s senior year where he was accepted into Julliard’s prestigious academy of acting, and Rey had never been more proud of him in her life. Of course, that meant that she would have to stay behind while he got to go off and do all sorts of great things, but she wasn’t worried. She knew that eventually she would catch up to him, it would just take time. Leia offered to pay for her to be able to see him on breaks too. It was a good idea. Both of them thought it was a good idea, so Rey had no idea what happened when he yelled at her on the phone about two months into their start of a long distance relationship. 

 

There was a lot about that night that Rey didn’t understand, when she was feeling particularly pathetic, she would go back and think of what she did to earn  _ that  _ from Ben. She talked to him every day, wrote him little songs, and played him covers over Skype and listened to him talk about his day. He was usually shirtless and she was usually smoking a blunt. She would always encourage him when he was having a down day and do everything in her fucking power to make him feel better. It was so much harder when it was a long distance relationship. That day, Ben had been very methodical in the way he insulted her, told her that he couldn’t deal with her overly cheery disposition, that she had this incessant need to make everyone happy, that she wasn’t going to go anywhere if she just kept smoking weed all day, and right then and there, Rey broke up with him. 

 

It was only recently that she had decided that she hadn’t deserved that earful from him three years ago. She hadn’t needed any of it. Now she was nineteen and a half and her first EP had come out, and it was doing exponentially better than she had expected it too. Now she was going to the Grammys, nominated in the Best New Artist category. She wanted to look him straight in the eye and say, “I got somewhere, asshole.” Finn, her producer and her best friend, came with her as well. They both sat in their hotel room and Rey took a sip of her coffee absentmindedly. 

 

She hadn’t realized that Finn was talking to her at first. “Rey, did you hear me?” 

 

“No, what?” 

 

“Kylo Ren’s going to be presenting the award for Best New Artist.” Rey blinked for a second, not completely registering the name, and then she remembered. She gripped her cup a little tighter. 

 

“And?” 

 

“Just wanted to tell you.” Finn said. “I know you and him have a history and I didn’t want you to be unprepared.” Rey rolled her eyes. Finn had the best of intentions, but he underestimated how tough Rey’s exterior was. “Also wanted to make sure you knew so you didn’t curse him out on National Television.” That was something that Rey definitely would have done if she hadn’t known that he would’ve been presenting the award. Rey didn’t say anything. She was too tired anyway. She just looked back down at her coffee and waited to see if Finn was going to say something else. 

 

He didn’t. 

***

 

Kylo was a confirmed asshole. There was no two ways about it. He was an asshole and he ruined everything. That’s probably what made him such a good actor. When he saw Rey Kenobi’s name on the list for Best New Artist  _ after  _ he had impulsively agreed to present the award to which ever artist he didn’t listen to, he contemplated just ending it there, and then he thought,  _ maybe I could talk to her again.  _ There were many things that Kylo Ren regretted about his life, and saying what he’d said to Rey before rehab was definitely at the top of the list. Ren remembered trying to reach her after rehab, getting someone who said that he texted the wrong number, and then trying to email her, only to have his emails bounce back, only to have her friends never respond to his pleas to talk to Rey in their DMs. He deserved that. He was an asshole to her after all. 

 

Still, that didn’t stop him from wanting to talk to her, from wanting to explain himself. He didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve to even be in the same room with her again. But he was trying to improve himself. Even if his agency and Hollywood was making it hard for him. Hux knocked on the door of his hotel room, “Get up asshole, awards are in a few hours.” Then a pause, “Don’t tell me you got into alcohol again.” 

 

“No,” Kylo groaned. 

 

“I’m coming.” It was now that he started dreading the fact that he would have to present.  Not just because of Rey, but because he didn’t want to get out of his bed. 

 

“Good, because I don’t want to tell the press that Hollywood’s beloved asshole died of alcohol poisoning.” Kylo had a sneaking suspicion that he would actually get some enjoyment out of the reaction to his death. He was a bit of a sadist after all. 

***

Rey thought she would be more excited when she got to the Grammy’s, but her mind turned off the second she saw him. She immediately moved closer to Finn. “I want to go home.” She told him. “Now.” Everything was so shiny, everyone looked so shiny, she didn’t belong here. She didn’t come from a rich place like the rest of these people did. 

 

“We’re already here.” Finn hissed at her. “We’re just going to go to our seats, just be glad that you’re not performing today. Don’t let him ruin your day,” He told her. He was right. He was always right. 

 

“Okay,” She nodded. “It’s not like I’m going to win anyway.” 

***

Everything was a blur to Kylo, all he remembered was reading Rey’s name, like saying his lines on some boring guest appearance or cameo. He gave her the award. She said something, and then left. It wasn’t until he got to the car and went to Twitter that he saw people quoting her small speech. “I just want to tell the people that thought that I couldn’t get there, the people that thought that I would fail to the fact that I smoke weed, or the fact that I’m too annoying, that I made it.” 

 

**hOE**

**@hoeingformusic**

Someone got roasted… 

 

Kylo switched off of twitter after this. She hated him. Of course she hated him,  he hated himself. Kylo took a deep breath in and decided that he could suffer through an after party as long as he didn’t talk to people. He got away with that most of the time, he was the brooding actor after all. 

 

Turned out that that wouldn’t work. 

 

***

Rey came to the conclusion that the world hated her. The World really had to hate her. She ended up at the same after party as him. Of course she did. Rey had been through a blur of shots and meeting different people, dancing and being a general nuisance. At some point she’d gotten tired and found her way to the side of the club. That’s when she saw him making his way towards her, he looked tired and out of place. She was too drunk to have the sense to get up and move away. “Go away,” Was the first thing she said over the loud music.  _ He didn’t have the right to come and seek her out.  _

 

“I wanted to talk.” Rey pressed herself into the wall, wishing that it would just envelop her. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want to hear him. “So can you please just hear me out?” Rey didn’t say a thing. Kylo knew well enough that that wasn’t an invitation to start talking. For all he knew, she was completely zoned out and wouldn’t hear a thing that she was saying. “Rey, please.” Rey rolled her eyes.  _ Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.  _

 

“I don’t care.” She said cooly. She turned to him, her muscles tight. “Now can you do me a favor and go away?” The music boomed behind them and Rey was pretty sure that Kylo Ren had to strain his ears to hear her. He looked stung, but Rey hadn’t even lit into him yet, like she wanted to. She was holding her anger back. She couldn’t yell at him like this in public. She couldn’t do that without someone seeing and it becoming some sort of ordeal all over the internet. 

 

“Rey,” His voice came out in a breathy tone, barely loud enough to hear. “Please. Just let me explain myself to you.” At that, Rey turned, walking as fast as she could towards the crowd. She grabbed Finn. 

 

“We’re leaving.” 


	2. fuck it, we do it live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs: 
> 
> COPYCAT - billie eilish  
> my boy - billie eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I had a set schedule but I really liked this chapter and wanted to get it out early.

When Rey sang, everything seemed to go away. Her worries disappeared, and the world melted away in ways that she couldn’t exactly explain. She used to have that when she and Ben were together, and for a while, nothing could do that except him. She got over that though, built a new world in music. One without him. “Are you ready, kid?” Poe asked. Rey nodded, so far she’d only sang at small venues, and that was the same now, but the room was packed and she loved every person that was here.

 

She remembered being on twitter, saying that Rey’s sets always had this _burning sexuality_ about them, and she thought that was hilarious. Perhaps it was all the red, but that was just the aesthetic of her EP. “Yeah, I’m ready.” It had been a few months since she won her award, a few months since she had had an encounter with Kylo Ren, but she had all but forgotten about that with the excitement of tour.

“You nervous?”

“No.” She was never nervous. Just excited. Poe smiled, clapped her on the back, and disappeared backstage. Rey waited for her cue.

***

Kylo knew that being anywhere in the same vicinity that Rey was was an extremely bad idea, she had every right to murder him on sight. Still, he was curious. Kylo had held off listening to her music for the longest time because he wanted to hear her live. It hadn’t been an easy feat. He’d bought tickets to her concert the second he heard that she was in the area. It was a small venue, but everyone seemed over enthused to be there. The room was packed. He’d decided not to get too close to the stage.

When the lights when low and the room’s lights started seeping this bright red, Kylo felt chills go down his back. He knew that Rey had always been good at this sort of thing. It wasn’t just music, but art in general. She knew the perfect way to pick aesthetics that would make people feel things. She did that hear too. Rey came out on stage in a casual outfit, it was a matching shirt and pants that hang off her loosely. Something about it seemed inherently sexual though.

 

Then the music dropped and so did Kylo’s heart. The bass was low and eery and Rey seemed possessed by the music.

 

_Don’t be cautious, don’t be kind_

_You committed, I’m your crime_

_Push my buttons, any time, you got your finger on the trigger_

_But your trigger finger’s mine_

 

Kylo knew that he would love Rey’s music. She’d always had a beautiful voice.  There was something more about it though. He didn’t just love it, there was something so beautiful about it, something that he couldn’t quite describe.

 

_By the way, you’ve been uninvited, cause all you say_

_Are all the same things I did_

 

He remembered the first time that he and Rey had met in high school. She was a freshman and he was a junior. He’d been an asshole that day, and was an asshole to her. But she wasn’t having it. He was still in school after hours, despite the fact that they usually kicked them out around three o’clock. He’d passed the music room, and heard her voice coming from it, and snuck in just to listen to her. She hadn’t noticed he was there until he clapped loudly and scared the shit out of her. Rey had called him an asshole, and he practically fell in love with her. He’d really fucked that up.

 

The song was over and people were cheering, Rey smiled, looked around the crowd. But then her face fell. She had seen him. Suddenly he wanted to disappear. Rey did this thing when she was angry, her eyes darkened, but only enough for the people who knew her to know that she was mad. “This song’s for a very special asshole.” She said. People cheer, Kylo’s mouth went dry. The music started, and Rey’s voice started to take over the room again.

 

_My boy’s being sus, he was shady enough_

_But now he’s just a shadow_

_My boy loves his friends like I love my split ends_

_And by that I mean_

_He cuts them off_

 

    There was a pause.

_[WHAT?]_

 

    Kylo knew that she was insulting him, but it was a good song. There was no doubting it. Rey didn’t need him at all. She had this energy on stage that made the whole room feel alive.

 

_And he don’t know how to cuss_

_He just sounds like he’s trying to be his father_

_My boy’s an ugly crier_

_But he’s such a pretty liar_

_And by that I mean, he’s says he’s changed_

 

    Ouch. He found himself wincing several times during that song. Rey always went right for the throat. Kylo would have to listen to the studio versions of her music later, because she sounded just like she was in a studio. Her voice was magic.

 

***

Rey closed her concert with a song that she made in high school, Bored. It was a song that she’d made with Kylo. Even though she hated him now, the song still had pleasant memories. Memories that she didn’t want to get rid of. No matter what had come after it. Rey wished that she could go to bed and cry for a little right now, but she couldn’t. Kylo was backstage.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

 

“I just wanted to talk.”

 

“Well, I’m not getting back together with you.” Finn grabbed a water bottle and handed it to Rey. “So we’re done having this conversation. Thanks for coming to my concert, but bye.”

 

“I don’t have any expectations. I just wanted to apologize to you for how much of an asshole I was.” What right did he have to do this? Rey was gonna ask Finn who had let him backstage anyways, but knowing Kylo, he probably snuck back here himself. There was no way she was going to get rid of him until she pretended to hear him out.

 

“Fine. Talk.” He looked surprised that she was  actually going to let him talk. Rey waited. She was going to be here all night. She could tell.

 

“Right? Really? Okay. Uh, I didn’t think you’d actually—”

 

“—I don’t have all day.”

 

“Sorry, yeah, I was a dick and I regret everything that I said that night.” He stuttered a little bit. “And I wanted you to know that not a day goes by where I don’t regret what I said to you.”

 

“Is that it?”

 

“Yeah,” She was glad that he wasn’t trying to give her a long speech. He knew that she wouldn’t appreciate that sort of thing.

 

“Okay then,” She took another gulp of water, “I agree that you were an asshole and I don’t forgive you.” He winced, but didn’t say anything to try and push her further. “You can go now.” Kylo scratched the back of his head and looked around.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” He turned to go, but said, “By the way, I liked your songs. A lot.” and left. For a second, Rey remembered the way that she felt when the both of them were both together, how she had been so in love with him. Every single fucking thing had been about Ben, she loved him so much. When they broke up, she had to find something else. That’s what pulled her back out of that state.

 

“Fuck,” She muttered under her breath as she walked out of the backway with Finn. “Fuck him to hell. I fucking hate him.” But the thing was she really didn’t, and she hated the fact that she never could.


	3. sweet little unforgettable thing

Kylo knew that he should stay as far away from Rey as he possibly can. He knew that he didn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as her either. It was just his luck that he landed a movie in their hometown. It was just his luck that he picked the same coffee shop that he had always gone to with Rey. It was just his luck that Rey happened to be there at the exact same time. “Are you stalking me?” She looked horrified when they bumped into each other on the way to their respective tables. 

 

“What? No! I didn’t know you would be here.” He really, honestly, hadn’t known that Rey would be there at the same time in the morning that he went. “I was just getting coffee.” Rey pursed her lips. 

 

“Don’t you have assistants to do that for you?” 

 

“Believe it or not I like getting things for myself,” He said. Rey muttered something under her breath and then got up, like she was going to leave. “Rey, wait.” She stopped. “Can we just...talk?” She took a sip of her coffee, rolled her eyes, and sat down at the table across from him. 

 

He stood there for a moment, in shock. He didn’t think that that was going to work. “Are you going to sit down or not?” She asked. Kylo snapped out of it, and sat down. For a second, he forgot how to function. “So?” Rey asked. 

 

“So,” he said. “How are you?”

 

“Fine until you came to my favorite coffee shop,” she said. “You?”

 

“Good. I was just busy on set and I’ve been coming here as sort of a break.” There was an awkward silence between the two of them. “I’m sorry,” 

 

“Yeah I know, you’ve said that before.”

 

“I know, I just wanted to say that again.” 

 

“Yeah,”

 

“I’ve been listening to your music lately,” she perked up a little bit, but kept her face mostly straight. 

 

“You never were a music person,”

 

“Yeah, except when it came to you.” He said. “Your music is, wow.”

 

“Is that a good or bad thing?”

 

“Good, great actually. It’s like the kind of stuff that you can listen to over and over again without actually getting tired of it.”

 

“Even the songs about you?”

 

Kylo thought back to  _ my boy  _ and  _ watch.  _ They were both extremely good songs, and even though he knew it was about him, about how fucking stupid he was, he liked them. “Yeah,” he said. “Even the songs about me.” He twirled his straw in his coffee cup. Rey actually sort of smiled. “Just one question?” 

 

“Hm?”

 

“Why are all your songs in lowercase except for COPYCAT?”

 

“It’s for the aesthetic, old man.” She smirked. 

 

“The aesthetic?” 

 

“You’re impossible.”

 

“Mm,” For once, Kylo felt that same ease that came with being with Rey. She had left her guard down. She seemed to notice that, practically chugging her coffee. 

 

“I got to go.” She said. “I have a session in twenty.”

 

“I can drive you,” 

 

“No, I’ll walk.” She left her coffee cup at the table and left. Kylo ran out after her. 

 

“Rey!”

 

“What?” She was already almost at the crosswalk when she turned back to see him. 

 

“What if I want to talk to you?” She sighed and took out her phone messing with it a little before she said, 

 

“I unblocked you on Instagram. I’m not giving you my phone number.” She turned again and kept walking. 

 

“Okay,” he shouted. “Bye.” Maybe, just maybe, he would get there with her. Maybe he could earn her forgiveness. 

 

***

 

Rey was nearly to bed when she got notifications for her instagram DMs. 

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

Can we meet some time? 

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

What if I don’t want to? 

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

I would understand

 

Rey paused, feeling a little bit guilty. Since Ben, no - Kylo, started talking to her again he’d been nothing but nice and she continuously shut him out. She had made it obvious that she wasn’t going to get back together with him at any time. 

 

**reyoflightmusic**

Where do you want to meet

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

Should we find a restaurant

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

I’m not hungry

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

I mean whenever I go out

 

**reyoflightmusic**

I won’t be hungry then either 

 

Rey could feel Kylo rolling his eyes through the phone, it wouldn’t really be Rey unless she was being a tiny bit difficult though. 

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

How about we just go to jerry’s and if you feel hungry you can share off of me?

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

Fine

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

Friday at nine? 

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

Fine 

 

Rey put her phone up and didn’t answer any more texts as she went to bed, she had a long week ahead of her. She was going to her friend Jessika Pava’s concert Monday, she had three interviews on Tuesday, a performance on Good Morning America Wednesday, a tour date Thursday, and brunch with Jessika on Friday. She secretly hoped that something would pop up that would force her to cancel with Kylo, but of course there wasn’t anything. 

***

 

Rey knew that drinking at concerts probably wasn’t the best thing to do, but it was Jessika’s concert, and she was having a good fucking time. In Rey’s opinion, Jessika was a better artist than Rey was, and her music was just the kind of stuff that you could listen to all the time even if it was really fucking sad. 

Rey stopped remembering how many shots she had halfway through S.L.U.T. That song was just the thing that she needed to listen to, especially when she had to hype herself before seeing Kylo. 

_ Imma do just what I want on the regular _

_ And it’s really not my fault if you’re scared of a  _

_ Sweet  _

_ Little  _

_ Unforgettable  _

_ Thing _

 

She practically shouted each one of the lyrics, it was probably embarrassing, but it was a loud venue and her voice was drowned out in the noise. She found herself in the bathroom with some asshole with long hair and a big dick having meaningless sex in the next minute. She laughed when he got close, they hadn’t even been fucking for three minutes. She pushed him off her. “Go,” She said. 

“What? I’m so close.” 

“Yeah, well that makes one of us. Now go.” She watched him buckle his pants and leave the ladies bathroom. Rey hadn’t been shy in sleeping around after she broke up with Ben, but she would be lying if she had said she had found the same sexual satisfaction in someone else. 

She went back out into the concert and enjoyed it while she could. Then one of Jess’s slower songs came on. One that was on her newest album, but she wrote about Rey and Ben after they broke up. It sounded so good live, but Rey couldn’t help but be put back in that same place that she had been before. 

 

_ I’ve been lonely missing your body _

_ You’ve been out of touch you’re so far away _

_ Wishing you would tell me you’re sorry _

_ And you know that you made a big mistake _

_ After the shit that we’ve been through _

_ Why are you so willing to walk away? _

 

Rey felt a little bit nauseous, remembering the day that Finn had convinced her to stop waiting by the phones, to block him, to delete every single picture that she had of him, and just fucking walk away. She was doing fine like that until Ben came back, he said sorry. This time Rey was the one that was trying to walk away from him while he made the effort, and she was doing such a shitty job at it. 

 

_ I don’t know why I stick around  _

_ To watch you burn our bridges down _

_ I can’t help it that I need you _

 

Ben didn’t know this, but when he left for college, when he left Rey behind, something in her broke. Even before they broke up. She started smoking more, trying to dull the pain, and stopped writing songs, stopped eating, and stopped participating in school all together. She was smart though, made a perfect score on her SAT’s. She never did anything with that. 

 

_ Now I’m drowning underneath  _

_ The water that was under me _

_ I’m still screaming that I need you _

_ Can’t help it that I need you _

 

Rey had to get out of there. She didn’t wait for Finn or Poe, she just ordered an uber and went home. 

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

ur an asshole

**kylo_ren_official**

 

i know, but why

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

No reason, drunk

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

See you friday, rey

 

She didn’t respond to him. 

*******

 

Friday came faster than Ben thought, and he couldn’t wait for it. Rey came into the diner looking for him in a tight striped shirt that showed off her belly button and these tight ass shorts. She didn’t smile when she saw him, just sat down. “Do you remember this place?” He asked her. 

She just sort of stared at him, “We used to come here when we were kids,” She said that so nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t that important to her. It sort of stung, but that was okay. He deserved it. He had a lot to make up for. 

The same waitress that had served them came over. “Rey? Ben? Is that you?” She was an old lady now, wrinkles around the eyes but aged well.

“Maz? It’s so nice to see you!” Rey beamed, got up and hugged her. Kylo didn’t. 

“Never thought either of you would come back here.” She eyed Kylo. He had a sneaking suspicion that everyone in town knew what happened between him and Rey. “What would y’all like to eat?” 

“Just coffee,” Rey said. 

“Cheesy fries.” Kylo said. 

“Some things never change.” Maz didn’t even write the order down. Just shouted to the waiters. Some of them shouted his to Rey but none of them to Kylo, he was starting to wonder if he should regret coming there. 

Rey was silent for a while after that remark. “You look really pretty,” He said, “Some things never change.” 

“Well I have changed,” Rey said, “and most of that was thanks to you.” 


	4. motherlove

Rey had this natural ability to make boys uncomfortable and turned on at the same time. She sat back, right as the coffee and cheesy fries made its way to their table. She hated being here. She hated that he could get a rise out of her by just existing. “So, what have you been up to recently?” Rey ended up ignoring him halfway through the conversation and looking at her Tinder. There was a match in this fucking diner with her. One wrong move and she’d find that guy and make a show of taking him back to her place. “You looking at guys?”

 

Did he seriously just say that? He had looked over her shoulder. Rey rolled her eyes. “None of your business,  _ Ben. _ ” She was done humouring him. 

 

“Didn’t say that it was, just asking.” She looked up at him. “And please don’t call me that.” He said. 

 

“Why? Because a stage name makes things less personal for you and you can pretend that you weren’t that same guy that called me useless over Skype when he was drunk?” He didn’t say a thing. Rey texted the match she got. His name was Stefan and he was pretty good looking. He got up, he was sitting at the table behind them. “Here’s something you need to know, Ben.” She said as she was sipping her cup of coffee. “I am not yours. I never was, and it’s funny to me to think that you could just come in here and try to reclaim me with dinner at the old diner we used to go to for dates. I would rather sit alone in an AIDs infested alley, and fuck myself with a bottle opener than even think of getting back together with you. Luckily I won’t be doing that, I’m going home with Stefan. Good luck with your movie.”

 

***

 

Sometimes when you reach out to someone, it isn’t because you want to be with them, but because you have a problem. A problem that hasn’t ended since you started your career, something that keeps on splintering parts of your soul, finding new ways for you to destroy yourself. 

 

Rey should have understood that, and now she was kicking herself for it. 

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

hey i just want you to know that theres going to be a story in the news in the next few days about me and i dont want you to be shocked or feel guilty when you see it

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

im also walking out on the movie im working on right now

 

**kylo_ren_official**

 

This is in no way me trying to get you to pity me i genuinely just dont have friends im sorry i cant think right now

 

**reyoflightmusic**

 

_ (Phone number enclosed) _

 

Call me

 

It was a few minutes but he called her. It was loud backstage and Finn had been talking to her but she told him to shut up. “Hey,” she said. “Talk.”

 

“I don’t…”

 

“You’re upset, Solo. Talk to me. Tell me whats up.”

 

***

 

That brought Kylo back to the old days, Rey could get things out of him after even his own mother gave up on him. She made him better. “A lot,” he said. He felt like the same stupid teenager that got drunk on the daily to dull everything else out. He was looking at a pack of beer he’d bought from the store on the way to his apartment. 

 

_ Sober for nearly ten years, really? Now?  _

 

“Is this a bad time?” He asked. 

 

“Yeah, every time is a bad time, Ben.” She said. “Now cut the bullshit, tell me what’s up. I have five minutes before I have a concert.”

 

“I should just call back,” 

 

“Ben,” 

 

“Just tell me not to be stupid,” He said. “Please,”

 

“Don’t be stupid.” Rey’s voice was almost drowned out by the music in the background, and then she said it, what she always used to say to get him out of fights. “Don’t be stupid, for me.”

***

 

He was stupid. 

 

He tried not to be. 

 

One beer turned into a whole pack quicker than he could think. He wondered how long he had stayed in his apartment. There was a knock on the door though. He figured it was paparazzi until the person said, “Ben I have four hours before I have to get back to the airport open the fucking door.”

 

Rey. 

 

Kylo got up and stumbled towards the door. He was a mess right now. It wasn’t the first time Rey had seen him this way though. She stood outside his door in a hoodie and glasses. She looked so cute. She pushed by him and took off her glasses. “You have shit taste in beer,” Rey said as she picked up the empty carton of Bud Lite and threw it in his garbage can. 

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Because I’m not an asshole,” she said. She immediately got to work picking up the empty bottles scattered across his apartment. “I saw what happened on the news and came as soon as I heard.” So she was clean up for his mess. “Snoke is an asshole,” She said. “I’m glad you spoke out about it.” Rey threw more things in the trash. “Not many guys come out about that stuff, it was brave of you.”

 

“No it wasn’t.” He said. 

 

“Yeah, it was.” Rey said. “And I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you the other night.” Kylo sat down on his couch, Rey sat down next to him. “I have some issues and that doesn’t mean I forgive you for what you did but, it was still uncalled for.”

 

He could see her fists clenched, watching him leaned back on the couch. “It’s fine.”

 

They were silent for a while before Rey said, “I have anger issues. Sometimes they just get out of hand. I’ve been keeping it under control for the most part but I just…”

 

“We’re both fucked up.” He said. “It’s okay,” 

 

She eyed him for a moment before saying, “You look fucking exhausted.”

 

“I am.”

 

“You should sleep.” 

 

“I don’t deserve to,”

 

“Sleep isn’t a luxury, Ben. You can’t not deserve it.”

 

“Will you be here when I wake up?” She shook her head no. 

 

“I’ll come back after tour though. We can meet somewhere. Away from paparazzi.”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

“So would I.”

She shifted a little bit. "I will leave you with something now." She took something out of her purse and gave it to him. It was an old CD. From high school. Rey had decorated the cover and everything. There was two CDs in it. "One of those has covers I redid and the second was our mixtape." She said. 

 

"You kept it."

 

"Yeah." Despite everything she did. "Listen, we're not friends or anything and I still am kind of mad at you but maybe I can get over it one day. Maybe we can at least be friends again." 

"Maybe,"


	5. to the grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey tries to be better

Anger management classes can’t solve you unless you want to be solved, even then, there are some things that will just fuck you up constantly and no amount of talking about it and counting to ten will solve it. Rey sat there and waited her turn to speak, to bounce the ball like she was supposed to. “Where to start,” Rey said. “Well I’ve been told that I’m useless since I was a kid.” She bounced the ball once. “By the people who fostered me,” She bounced the ball again, “by my teachers,” She said. “By the only man I’ve ever loved, my manager, the man in charge of my label.” She shuddered at the idea of Plutt. He always came up in her mind at the worst possible times. “I used to self harm to stop thinking about how useless I was.” She bounced the ball again. “And then that stopped working.” Again. “I just get angry at random times,” Again.

 

Breathe, Rey. Breathe. “Singing can usually help me cope with that but sometimes it doesn’t always help.” Breathe. Bounce the ball. “Recently I was confronted with what my anger can do to people, when I found that the only man I’ve ever loved has been through the same shit I have.” Plutt was still in her mind. _I can make you famous. You have to earn it though. Get on your knees._ Ben went through something similar, the difference is he was strong enough to say something about it. She wasn’t. “And I treated him like shit.” She was done. “I’m just a shit person,” 

 

***

 

Rey’s tour was over after two months, she won a whole bunch of awards and was just generally busy for another three months after but she still found time to visit Kylo. Kylo found her at the door again dangling keys to a car. “Are you an outdoors person, Solo?” 

 

“No,” She almost laughed. 

 

“Don’t worry I have sunscreen. I just thought that maybe we could go somewhere where paparazzi won’t see us.” Kylo swallowed. He didn’t expect this to happen. “Do you remember when we were thirteen and used to skip and go out and we found the woods-”

 

“Where we had our first kiss,” 

 

A lot of history was there. 

 

“Do you want to go?”

 

“Yes.”

***

 

Rey hated crowded spaces. 

 

Which she had to deal with all the time. 

 

That’s why she chose some place out of the way to go with Ben. She was in a good mood today and even though it was hot as hell that wasn’t going to change. 

 

She needed to be with someone who wasn’t Finn or Plutt or an interviewer. She wanted to be with him, which was a first in a long time.  Rey had rented an ugly Subaru with tinted windows. She got in the driver's seat. 

 

“You look good.” Ben said. “Happy.” Rey nodded and buckled in. 

 

“Been taking anger management classes on the side when I was on my tour. I’m going to try going without them for now but I got some good advice.” 

 

“I’m glad something worked for you.” 

 

“Yeah.” Rey turned on her Spotify playlist as they turned out of the parking lot. “You been doing okay?” 

 

“Not really,” He said. “But I am now.” She was going to press further but decided not to.  _ ocean eyes  _ came on. He looked at the radio. 

 

“Do you want me to turn it up?” He nodded. Rey felt a little bit giddy when he said that. Maybe it was her narcissism showing, but she was proud of her music and she was glad that Ben liked it to. 

 

_ burning cities and napalm skies _

_ you really know how to make _

_ me cry when you _

_ give me those  _

_ ocean eyes _

 

Ben listened as she sang with the lyrics and drove. The effect seemed to be somewhat relaxing for him. Rey remembered freshman year when she had her solo for choir. Ben hadn’t talked to her all summer but after that he started talking to her again. He told her that her voice was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. 

 

When the song was over it switched to  _ idontwannabeyouanymore  _ , which she skipped. She’d rather not play a song she wrote about not wanting to be herself right now. She was in a good mood. 

 

Then the Lumineers came on, and Rey was instantly transported to the year before they broke up,  _ Slow it Down  _ was playing in the car and Ben had been crying in the backseat of her car because his dad told him that he would never get into acting professionally while he was alive. She had driven around town for a while with him in the back seat crying for the longest time. 

 

_ Slow it down, angie  _

_ Come back to bed _

_ Rest your arms _

_ And rest your legs _

 

Rey’s heart ached. She forgot how old this playlist was. She usually skipped the song when it came on, but she knew Ben wanted to listen to it. 

 

She was guessing he remembered that day the same as Rey, when Rey had driven out of town and they just kept driving and driving. She brought a pack of cigarettes and some Smirnoff Ice and they went out into the loneliest part of the beach, and just stared at the stars and stayed there for hours and hours. 

 

Leia had been so pissed at Rey that day. Said she thought Ben went missing. Rey didn't care. Han was an asshole. 

 

They were driving for so long but it seemed like no time at all when they got to the trail that lead to their tree. Rey gave Ben a significant amount of sunscreen and opened the trunk. There was a cooler in there and a backpack. She gave Ben the backpack and took the cooler. 

 

“To make up for dinner.” She said. 

 

“You don’t have to-”

 

“I’m in a good mood. I want to.”

***

 

They walked and walked for the longest time. But Rey found the tree. There was still that stupid carving of their initials in it. Rey sat down in a crook of the tree and opened the cooler, she handed Ben a water bottle and then a tupperware container. It was a chicken salad. She had the same. There was a fork inside the container. 

 

They both ate in silence for a while and when they were done Rey said, “I remember when we kissed in middle school.” 

 

“Oh god I still had braces,” Kylo cringed at the memory. “God I was such a virgin back then, I don’t know why you liked me.”

 

“You were a nerd with the potential to be a bad boy.” Rey said. “Still were kind of a nerd in high school, but I liked that. Plus, you’ve always been cute so.”

 

“You still think I’m cute?”

 

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Rey messed with her water bottle. “But yeah, you’ve always been like the most attractive guy ever.” Kylo snorted. He didn’t know why he felt giddy at that. 

 

“Well I’m glad someone thinks I’m attractive.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I just get a lot of shit about how my looks aren’t  _ usual _ and all that shit. It weighs down on you after a while.” Rey shook her head. 

 

“All of that’s bullshit.” She said. “You’re attractive to me and you're attractive to all the thirsty fangirls that draw pornographic fanart of you on Tumblr.” Kylo nearly spat out his water. 

 

“What’s Tumblr?” Rey rolled her eyes. 

 

“Okay grandpa,” 

 

“I didn’t know people did that.”

 

“That and post thirst gifs of your butt from when you were on  _ Girls.”  _ He nearly choked. How did Rey know about all this? He decided he wasn’t going to ask. “But anyways my point is that you’re attractive and anyone who thinks otherwise can physically fight me,” Now she was just trying to make him feel better. He decided to change the subject. 

 

“You’ve always been perfect.”

 

She went silent for a minute. 

 

“No I haven’t.” 

 

“Yeah. You are.” 

 

“Ben, all I’ve done since you came back into my life is try and alienate you. I’ve been a bitch.”  _ I deserve it,  _ he thought. “I honestly don’t know why you keep trying to reconnect with me, because you don’t deserve it, especially after all the shit with Snoke and…” She looked like she was about to cry. 

 

“Hey, you couldn’t have known about that okay? I didn’t tell anyone about what he did for years. What he was doing to me for years. You were mad at me for a different reason.”

 

“It doesn’t excuse me being a bitch.” She said. “Especially when you have only been nice to me.” He didn’t say anything, just drank more water. “I just thought that you wanted to get back together with me for a one night stand or something and I’m so used to being a bitch because …”  _ Tell him about Plutt.  _ “Walls protect me.” She said. “They always have.”

 

“I understand.” Ben said. 

 

“I don’t deserve it but, do you want to be friends again?”

 

“I’d like that.” He said. “I would actually really love that.” Rey beamed and wiped her cheeks. She had been crying. She got up. 

 

“I almost forgot why we came here.” She said. He stared at her, confused. “Go to the base of the tree. Dig there.” Ben dug at the base of the tree for a second before finding a small metal water bottle. It was peeling pink pastel paint but it was still there. She opened took the bottle and unscrewed  the cap and pulled out the contents and handed it to him.

 

It was a letter. 

 

_ Dear Ben, _

 

_ Maybe one day when you come back for break you can come back here with me. I miss you so bad. I hope you’ve done okay. I don’t know the next time you’re going to see this so I thought that I would do something cute and have you find it.  _

 

_ Love, Rey _

 

_ P.S. i love you to the grave and back _

 

There was a little drawing of a flower at the bottom, a violet. She had made him a flower crown with violets once. 

 

“There’s more like that,” Rey said. “One at the beach. One at my apartment. One I put in the ground at our high school. When we were doing the long distance thing.” Kylo nodded, smiling as he stared at Rey’s cutesy cursive handwriting. 

 

“Maybe we can find the rest of them some time.”

 

“That would be fun.”


End file.
